Hi all. This is a very very VERY delayed post and even as I am writing it I know I should have posted it sooner. A lot of things have happened since I have been gone but that is not important right now. One main event that is important however is my dog; Bandit.

He was sick, very sick, and I didn’t know. No one told me anything until the day. They had an excuse, so I am not mad at anyone. It was the day of my exam to finish of the first semester of my second year at university and I was already stressed enough. I got into the exam and while doing it I felt like something was wrong but I tried to ignore it as much as I could. When the exam finished, I was happy but still felt like I could have done better.

I get a text from my mom that she has bad news and a million things sprung to my head. She said that Bandit, my eldest dog, was in the animal hospital because he had stopped eating. I was very concerned and the moment I got through the door of my flat I started crying.

I have had this dog since I was 9. I’m now 20. 11 years he has been there in my life being my absolute rock. He was there for all the crying, fighting, boyfriends, friends, celebrations, downfalls, goodbyes and hellos and much more. And now he could be gone and I wouldn’t even get to say goodbye. Last time I saw him it was just after Christmas and when I was leaving, I remember him lying on the sofa, I gave him a little scratch behind his ear and said “be good” and left. If I knew this would be the last time, I would have said so much more. I would have said that I love you, so much, and that I don’t want you to go and that I am not ready yet. I would have said that he’s the best thing that happened to me in my life and everything he has ever done is forgiven, all the peed on clothes and ruined shoes. I would have said that I will do everything to help with the pain just for you to stay.

My parents took him to the animal hospital and the vets did as much as they could, but he had everything you could think of. Failing kidneys, issues with his blood, back, heart, everything. He passed between 9.10-9.15pm of a heart attack.

I was on the coach home but I didn’t know he passed yet, my mom told me when I got in the car after I got to Birmingham after midnight. But when I was on the coach, at about 9.12pm, a really sad song came on my phone when I was listening to music. I looked up at the time and thought that I will be home soon and I can see my baby. But then I felt a rush of sadness and cold and started to tear up a bit but I didn’t understand why. Well, when my mom told me what time he passed I knew why. I am not a spiritual or religious person, but I feel he was saying goodbye. I didn’t get there in time to say it to him so he came and said it to me in spirit. This might be silly to some but to me, for some reason, it makes sense.

The first few days were empty. The first time I fed and walked my other two dogs I felt wrong, that is the only way I can describe it, just wrong. First time I let them out in the garden and called them back in I shouted “Bandit, Leo, Dexter” as I usually do and only two came in and that was it. No third dog. My heart hurts as much as it did then.

I blame myself in a way. For the last year and a half, I moved away from home so I did not see him a lot. I wasted my time with him, if I didn’t move away I would have had more time. I also blame myself for not saying goodbye properly and in a way I’m mad at him. I just wish he could have held on a little longer just for me to see him one more time. I’m mad at myself because he was in pain and I wasn’t there to help. I’m mad at myself because he was surrounded by strangers and not his family. He was alone and I will forever hold that within myself. The only thing I can keep to not make me go crazy is the fact that he waited to an extent. He waited for me to grow up, finish school, find my life partner, finish my teen years and he waited to see me do well in life, and to him, that was enough. He did his job of protecting me and helping me and he saw it was appropriate to leave, and I will forever be thankful that he didn’t see that earlier.

Another thing; I cried for the first two days and then I stopped and today is the first day again where I cried. I feel like I am grieving wrong? I feel like I am pushing him to the back of my mind and not working through this correctly and now writing this is the first step.

I guess telling you all this is my way of coping; I could go on for longer about the kind of dog he was etc but I don’t think that matters. He was a good boy, the best! And the cheekiest.

I have had a few cries in between writing these paragraphs and editing, and if you are reading this in hopes of me giving you advice on how to deal with pet loss then I don’t think I can do that for you right now. I am still a bit emotionally unset about this situation and putting on a brave face for my friends and family, but I will update you.

All I can say is I provided him with the best life, all the possible belly rubs, snacks and unconditional love. I did that until the day he was gone and I hope wherever he is there is no pain, just happiness and that we meet again one day.

For you Bandit, I will miss you forever and promise to make your brothers lives just as great as yours, 27/01/2020.

Love Kasia x